Have you ever walked away from a challenging conversation feeling like you either came on too strong or didn’t say enough? You’re not alone. Participants in our Courageous Conversations Workshops agree: when facing difficult conversations, most of us default to one of two counterproductive approaches—winning or minimizing.
Understanding these tendencies is the first step toward more effective dialogue. Let’s explore what these attitudes look like and how to find a better balance.
The Winning Trap
The “winning” approach is about dominating the conversation at any cost. It’s when we armor up and prepare for battle, determined to make others see things our way. While this might feel powerful in the moment, it is ultimately ineffective.
People who want to “win” the conversation may operate under these types of false beliefs:
- “I know best, and others need to see things my way.”
- “I’m effective when I get others to agree with me.”
- “If I push hard enough, I’ll win their respect.”
This approach may win the argument, but it usually loses the relationship. When we’re focused on winning, we shut down the very dialogue we need to have in order to find real solutions.
The Minimizing Mistake
On the opposite end of the spectrum is “minimizing.” Minimizing involves making issues smaller than they are to keep things pleasant. We might downplay concerns, avoid core issues, or sacrifice our needs to maintain the peace.
Common false beliefs of minimizers include the following:
- “My needs don’t matter as much as theirs.”
- “If I avoid conflict, I’ll preserve the relationship.”
- “It’s better to stay silent than risk upsetting someone.”
While minimizing might feel safer, it leads to unresolved issues and growing resentment. True relationships require honest dialogue, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Finding the Sweet Spot
Effective courageous conversations happen in the balance between these extremes:
- Be Assertive, Not Aggressive: Use “I” statements to express your perspective without blaming or attacking. For example, say, “I feel concerned about our ability to meet the timeline” instead of “You’re always late.”
- Practice Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions to explore the other person’s perspective. For instance, “Can you share what challenges you’re facing with this project?” demonstrates a willingness to understand.
- Stay Open-Minded: Remind yourself that your perspective is just one piece of the puzzle. Be willing to adjust your stance based on new information.
- Be Non-Defensive: When you feel yourself becoming defensive, pause and take a breath. Responding calmly allows you to stay focused on the issue rather than escalating conflict.
When we strike this balance, we create space for both parties to feel heard while addressing important issues head-on.
Moving Forward
Reflect on your recent challenging conversations. Do you tend to push too hard or pull back too much? Understanding your default response is crucial for growth. With practice, you can learn to navigate difficult conversations with both courage and compassion.
Ready to transform how your organization handles challenging conversations? CMOE’s Courageous Conversations Workshop provides practical tools and strategies for mastering this crucial skill. Our expert facilitators can deliver customized training either on-site or virtually, helping your team build stronger relationships and achieve better outcomes.
Contact CMOE today to learn how our workshop can help your team find the perfect balance in their challenging conversations.
